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Things I MUST remember when I come back as a dog...

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1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind ...

Mental Health Hotline

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If ...

Steve Allen

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Steve Allen, Renaissance Man: ...describing Allen as a comedian is like describing Leonardo da Vinci as a "painter." Like Leonardo, Alien is a Renaissance man. Besides being ...

Santa's Little Helpers

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I suppose this explains why he's always so jolly...
Santa's little helpers

Take five minutes and chuckle

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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...

Raunchy One Liners

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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. What's the ...

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

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20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the ...

Joke of the Day

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An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first ...

Anger Management

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

Cat Carrier

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Cat Carrier

10 Questions Not To Ask During A Job Interview

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Top 10 Questions You Should Never Ask When Being Interviewed For A Job : 1. What's your company's policy on severance pay? 2. How long does it take your company's ...

Alabama Traffic Stop

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets  pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Opp , Alabama . He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New ...

Silence would have been Golden

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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a long hard look at herself. "You know, dear, she says, I look in the ...

Community Service

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One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service." ...

Age

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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in ...

Quote of the Week (Pepe LePew vs. Speedy Gonzales)

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"What about Pepe LePew? His chasing of unwilling females surely sends the message to children that's it's OK to stalk [women] and attack them if they resist. Plus, because he's ...

Fairy Tales

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WOW.....if Disney only knew! CINDERELLA Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy ...

Larry Walters, Lawn Chair Pilot

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Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, though you may find it hard to believe.  Larry was a truck ...

May I see your driver's license

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I ...

Windows NT wallpaper

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NT fire

WOMEN BASHING JOKES

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WOMEN BASHING JOKES. There's been tons of Men Bashing jokes, so in the interest of fair play... Q. Why did God give men penises ? A. So we'd have at least one way to ...

Business Slogans Translated

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From "American Demographics" magazine: Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages: When Braniff translated a slogan ...

Angels we have heard on high...

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In the spirit of the season, here's a Christmas angel for all the ladies out there...
angel

Final Exam - No Excuses

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...

 

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