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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...
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Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. ...
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was ...
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.
AN AMERICAN ...
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A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality?"
His father ...
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1. Your Houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the ...
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These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him ...
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It may be hard to believe how times have
changed in the last 100 years.
"100 Years Ago"
The average life expectancy in the United States
was forty-seven.
Only 14 ...
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...
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20 lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word 'pants'
1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
...
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Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct ...
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Top 10 Questions You Should Never Ask When Being Interviewed For A Job :
1. What's your company's policy on severance pay?
2. How long does it take your company's ...
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife ...
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By an anonymous Trekkie. 10. Noisy doors. You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding ...
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Bill of Rights restated
State Representative Mitchell Kaye of Georgia wrote the following:
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get ...
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Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya, after graduating from Northwestern University, same place my dad went to school. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull ...
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"Rudolph the Reindeer with an Inner Ear Infection" "Away in a Drunk Tank" "Here We Come A-Wassailing, Whatever the Hell That Means" "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Infected" ...
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1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one ...
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HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED
======================================
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks
on rare occasions for himself, ...
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A brief excerpt from the 2002 video release "Robin Williams Live on Broadway"… Note: This clip contains coarse language (but with a nifty Scottish accent)
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