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Final Exam - No Excuses

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...

25 Ways To Tell You're Grown Up

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1.  Your Houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2.  Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3.  You keep more food than beer in the ...

NEWS FLASH...

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The world was stunned by the news this morning of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:24 AM. ...

Raunchy One Liners

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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. What's the ...

Steve Allen

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Steve Allen, Renaissance Man: ...describing Allen as a comedian is like describing Leonardo da Vinci as a "painter." Like Leonardo, Alien is a Renaissance man. Besides being ...

TO ALL THE KIDS BORN in the 50's

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First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.  They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get ...

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

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20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the ...

What to do when you're having a bad day

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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you ...

Alabama Traffic Stop

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets  pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Opp , Alabama . He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New ...

Anger Management

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

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On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in ...

Martha Stewart's Way

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Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom ...

Dog Quotes

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"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."  - Anonymous  "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are ...

Lawyer Jokes

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The post office just recalled their newest stamps: they had pictures of lawyers on them...and the people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How are an apple and a ...

Tech support woes

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Why we should feel sorry for tech support people: A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." ...

83 things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say

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83 things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: - 1. uh-oh.... 2. Oh S***! 3. What the heck?!? 4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO

God as a Computer Programmer

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Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.  Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the ...

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

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OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me. OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas... INSIDE: I ...

THE DOG

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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.  He walks over to the dog, and notices ...

Kids

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Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. ...

Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

You know you're a Floridian if...

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You know you're a Floridian if... Socks are only for bowling. You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes. A good parking place has ...

Wine vs. Water

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As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that ...

Vatican Bathroom

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Fathers Pietro and George are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.  Father Pietro looks at the other priest's equipment and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on the ...

 

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