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Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

Oxymoron List

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OXYMORON LIST (April 1998) (Oxymoron - - an epigrammatic witty, often paradoxical effect, by which contradictory terms are used in conjunction) 50. Act naturally 49. Found ...

Quotes

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"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why ...

At the Doctor's Office

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and ...

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

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Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access ...

Confession

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Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." ...

Dog Fight

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If only it were this easy... Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would ...

Santa's Little Helpers

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I suppose this explains why he's always so jolly...
Santa's little helpers

Farmer's donkey fell down a well (updated ending)

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and ...

Howard and Annabel

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Howard is a 95 year old man who lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his ...

Lisping Dwarf

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A dwarf with a lisp went to a horse show to buy a mare. He wandered around until he came across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He ...

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

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10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my ...

Things to say when phoning in sick

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I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in ...

Quickies

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went ...

Security Meeting

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At his morning security meeting G. W. Bush is advised the two Brazilian troops were killed in Iraq yesterday. GW jumps up in horror. "How will I tell the people about this.  ...

Inventions

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A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian said, "We have the Coliseum." ...

Quote (2)

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Who said "A sewer worker is like a brain surgeon. We're both specialists."

WMD's

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Try this soon, before Google fixes its site: 1) Go to Google.com; 2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction" 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, ...

Justice in the Middle East

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A Dutchman, an Australian, and a New Zealander are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol ...

Good Doctoring

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A woman went to the Doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down ...

Peanuts

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A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't ...

Kids and Southwest Airlines

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs ...

Naughty Parrots

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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest ...

Nursery Rhyme Haiku

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I am a teapot Here is handle, here is spout I am a teapot Mary had a lamb Followed her to school one day Children laughed and played There were three blind ...

 

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