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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.
AN AMERICAN ...
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10 Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:
10) "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
9) Duct tape won't fix that
8) Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken's
...
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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...
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Strange Therapy Sessions
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual ...
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There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- Anderson, Jeremy S.
If you put a billion monkeys in ...
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy ...
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the ...
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If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way.
The easy way is always mined.
...
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PLANT CITY, FL - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J ...
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Fugitive Cow Finally Captured
The bovine escapee who eluded Cincinnati's finest for 12 days is finally
behind bars tonight. It took the SPCA, three decoy cows, and two shots ...
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together ...
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A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man, "Lad, look
out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I
built that fence stone by ...
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For anyone who has ever gotten a speeding ticket...
This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a
cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other ...
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... THINGS ON WHICH TO PONDER:
* Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
* Talk is cheap because ...
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20 Useful Expressions for High-Stress Days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f_cking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. A hard-on doesn't ...
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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens ...
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Heavenly Entrance Exam
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are
closed, however, ...
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Jesus joined a threesome on the first hole. The drive had to be hit
over two small lakes to reach a green surrounded by sandtraps.
Jesus said "OK, I'll do this one. If Palmer ...
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COMPUTER, POWER STRIP I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not ...
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One Monday morning, Little Johnny's kindergarten
teacher, Miss Needlemeyer, decided to have a special
show-and-tell session in which each child could tell about
something ...
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A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a
small town. He's going through his usual run of "dumb blonde" jokes, when
a blonde woman in the 4th ...
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Thanksgiving Dinner
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm
telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
won't be coming, I've ...
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As most of you already know, former President Clinton's dog Buddy was killed when he ran out in front of an automobile. A nationwide search is underway to find a replacement for ...
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