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1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind ...
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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...
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Steve Allen, Renaissance Man:
...describing Allen as a comedian is like describing Leonardo da Vinci
as a "painter." Like Leonardo, Alien is a Renaissance man. Besides being ...
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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If ...
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...
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1. Blaming your farts on me....not funny...not funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me ...
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"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."
"Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future."
"That thing was jumping up and down like a sieve."
"We will ...
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This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says
"You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?".
The ...
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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of ...
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. ...
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out ...
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Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, ...
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when ...
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have ...
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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go ...
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I suppose this explains why he's always so jolly...
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Recently spotted on eBay...
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"Rudolph the Reindeer with an Inner Ear Infection" "Away in a Drunk Tank" "Here We Come A-Wassailing, Whatever the Hell That Means" "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Infected" ...
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Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. ...
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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war (so, what's new in this
regard?).
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their ...
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Ever wonder what happened to all those celebrities who promised to leave the country if George W. Bush was elected president?
The original statements:
Eddie Vedder - "I'm ...
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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing ...
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Next time you find yourself running dry on interesting tidbits of
conversational matter ...
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law:
"After having ...
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The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?", I submit the following:
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That = $10,000 a minute, at an ...
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