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Things I MUST remember when I come back as a dog...

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1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind ...

Final Exam - No Excuses

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...

Steve Allen

Viewed 15 times
Steve Allen, Renaissance Man: ...describing Allen as a comedian is like describing Leonardo da Vinci as a "painter." Like Leonardo, Alien is a Renaissance man. Besides being ...

Mental Health Hotline

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If ...

Take five minutes and chuckle

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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

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1. Blaming your farts on me....not funny...not funny at all!  2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!  3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me ...

Mixed Metaphors from the Workplace

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"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp." "Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future." "That thing was jumping up and down like a sieve." "We will ...

Alabama boys...

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This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?". The ...

One-Question IQ Test

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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.  By imitating the action of ...

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. ...

Beer, Fishing, Golf, and Sex

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out ...

Mexican Food

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Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.  Not only did it look good, ...

Laws of Physics

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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have  to pee. Law of the  Workshop: Any tool, when ...

Inner Peace

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have ...

Golf on Christmas

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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go ...

Santa's Little Helpers

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I suppose this explains why he's always so jolly...
Santa's little helpers

Redneck Limo

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Recently spotted on eBay...
redneck limo

Some of My Favorite Christmas Carols...

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"Rudolph the Reindeer with an Inner Ear Infection"  "Away in a Drunk Tank"  "Here We Come A-Wassailing, Whatever the Hell That Means"  "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Infected"  ...

...walks into a bar

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Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. ...

Red Coats

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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war (so, what's new in this regard?). During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their ...

If Bush get's elected, I'll leave the country...

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Ever wonder what happened to all those celebrities who promised to leave the country if George W. Bush was elected president? The original statements: Eddie Vedder - "I'm ...

70-year old George went for his annual physical

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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing ...

Useful Tidbits

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Next time you find yourself running dry on interesting tidbits of conversational matter ... Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having ...

Nerds Forever

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The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?", I submit the following: Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That = $10,000 a minute, at an ...

 

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