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Computer related quotes

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There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Anderson, Jeremy S. If you put a billion monkeys in ...

Inner Peace

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have ...

Sick Joke

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A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: "Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!" "No, no," says the ...

The Book of Leviticus

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Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to ...

Is there a heaven

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, ...

A Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The ...

Labor pain

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby deliavered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the ...

Cowboy Logic

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic. A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote ...

Clever Lawyer

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client ...

The Ugly Bus

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. When get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, God decides ...

The Ranch Hand

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, ...

Martha Stewart's Way

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Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom ...

Bra Types

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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the ...

Husband Jokes

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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. ...

Hollywood Squares 2

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Here are some quotes from Hollywood Squares Game Show in the 70's, when game show's responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. God bless Paul Lynde, Rose ...

FROM JESSE JACKSON

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Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to ...

Timely joke

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The ...

WW WA PP ATR

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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. However, each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he ...

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

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10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD: 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION ...

Three pints of Guinness

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes ...

Alligator

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's ...

Rejected Dr. Suess Books

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The following list were all books that have been recently rejected by the Dr. Suess series: The Cat in the Blender Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Fox in Detox ...

Ice Fishing

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There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen ...

John Cleese

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John Cleese was recently asked on American TV what he thought the differences between the English and the Americans were. In reply he said that there were three differences: ...

 

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