The Manbottle Library  :  Humor  :  Computer related quotes

Computer related quotes

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

-- Anderson, Jeremy S.

If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about...five minutes.

-- Anonymous

To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.

-- Anonymous (Farmer's Almanac for 1978)

Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window!

-- Anonymous

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

-- Asimov, Isaac

There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS.

-- Bastard Operator from Hell [Anke Bodzin]

But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

-- Bible (Matthew 5:37)

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

-- Bradley's Bromide

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

-- Brandon, Dick

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

-- Brandwein, Leonard

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

-- Cook. Rich

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

-- Cringely, Robert X.

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

-- Deteriorata (from the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album)

The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 m/sec/sec.

-- Dolengo, Marcus

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.

If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.

If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.

If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

-- Hammer, Scott (old IBM VM statement)

Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.

-- Houghton, Blair

The first step is to decide what Internet services users need to access and limit their access to those services.

-- Jesson, Joseph [a senior analyst at Chevron Corp] (as quoted in ComputerWorld 6/28/93)

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

-- Kulawiec, Rich

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.

-- Lehrer, Tom

If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed would be a UNIX command.

-- Lye, Bill

"Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?"

-- MacNelley (in "Shoe")

I have a spelling checker,

It came with my PC;

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I cannot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,

I'm sure your pleased too no,

Its letter perfect in it's weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.

-- Minor, Janet ("Spellbound")

We may begin to see reality differently simply because the computer ... provides a different angle on reality.

-- Pagels, Heinz

Hardware : The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

-- Pesis, Jeff

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

-- Picasso, Pablo (1881-1973)

Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system is supposed to work. Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn't work.

-- Redman, Brian

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.

-- Reid, Brian K.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

-- Rooney, Andy

Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

-- Sinz, Michael [Commodore-Amiga Inc.]

Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.

-- Some Computer Geek

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea-- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.

-- Spafford, Gene

We're thinking about upgrading from SunOS 4.1.1 to SunOS 3.5.

-- Spencer, Henry

I have no sustained relationship with any person whom I've met only by and through e-mail.... I uncharitably speculate that it's because I already have a life.

-- Sterling, Bruce

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

-- Unknown

Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.

-- Unknown

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

-- Unknown

I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!

-- Unknown

I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS.

-- Unknown

PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

-- Unknown

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

-- Unknown

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

-- Wilkes, Maurice

This compliation is copyright © 2000-2014 Wiggins Professional Services, Inc.
Individual items contained herein are the copyright of their respective owners.