I Like Dogs
by Joe, from reodorant.com
Dogs make excellent pets.
Notice how quick and efficient that sentence is? It totally conveys the "dogs are great pets" message that I was trying to convey. I like writing in the clearest and most direct manner possible. This is due to the fact that writing in a manner that is not clear troubles me, and I avoid it for that reason.
You could call me "Mr. Clearwriter" or "Mr. Useswordswell" or even "Mr. EfficientConveyerOfMeaningThroughLanguage". I would probably prefer that you just call me "Joe" though. "Joe" is a simple, direct name for a simple, direct person - which is the kind of person that I am!
Just make sure you always but quotation marks around my name when you write it. I just really like quotation marks. When my name is spoken aloud, be sure to hold up the index and middle fingers of each hand in that "I'm making quotes" signal.
If you are talking to someone on the phone, he or she will obviously be unable to see this gesture, so it'll probably be for the best to avoid using the phone when referring to me. Your bills are too high, anyway. I prefer letters to the telephone anyway. Seriously - if someone ever found a way of bringing both letters and phones to life, and gave them sentience, and flexible limbs, and made them hate each other to the point they got into a fight - I'm positive that letters would kick telephone ass.
So, actually, whoever brought them to life should probably give them each asses too. I mean, this person would be playing god already, so why not go for broke?
Dogs have asses - but this has nothing to do with why I like them (get your mind out of the gutter, seriously, I worry about you all sometimes).