Merry Christmas from Your Mother
Merry Christmas From Mom
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I
can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten
dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God
knows their mother never buys them anything nice.
They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the
birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh
for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she
died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I
dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but
I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's
never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to
the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on
my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you
need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my
love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the
one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.