The Manbottle Library  :  Humor  :  Listen Carefully

Listen Carefully


A Man's Guide to What a Woman Is Really Saying


I need = I want

We need = I want



It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later



We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to



I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!



You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?



I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper.....



I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep



Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really gonna hate



I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV



Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful



You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead



Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No



I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry



Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you better get used to it



Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him till he goes to sleep



I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling - this is important!



All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the Cosmetics Department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom. You did bring your checkbook - Didn't you???

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A Woman's Answer to What's Wrong........


The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything



I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

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A Woman's Guide to What a Man Is Really Saying......


I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired



Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you



I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!



Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!



You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you

I'm sorry = I really don't know what I did wrong but I hope this helps so we can have sex



What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex right now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...now let's have sex right now!



Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before



Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.




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