Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery