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Tales from a Redneck, Volume 1: Doing the Impossible


by Bobby Fairhope, Redneck

It was a Friday night, and as usual me an my buddy Jimmy were down at The Rusty Tire, our favorite bar close that’s enough to go to without havin to drive into town. We was sittin at the bar, carrying on as usual, when this lady, and I use that term loosly, and her friend started carrying on with each other even louder than we were, to where me an Jimmy couldn’t even hear each other no more.

So I exchanged some polite words, and then some not so polite words, with her asking if her an her friend could keep it down a bit, and providin some friendly, and then not so friendly, gentle instruction on how she might be more ladylike.

She did not seem to appreciate this.

This went south rather quickly, and at one point she turns to me, and you know what she said? She says “Suck My Dick!”

Now I must admit that took me aback for a moment. I was familiar with the phrase, having used it myself many a time. And I knew it was as often as not a likely indicator that a fight was about to break out. But I had never ever before heard this particular phrase from a woman, and me bein a literal minded fella, I was a bit perplexed as to the logistics of it all.

Jimmy must have been equally perplexed, cause he had nothin to say, and when I looked over at him, all he could do was shrug and give me a little helpless grin that basically said “I don’t know boss, you on your own with this one.”

But then it came to me, I had the answer. I turned back to her, and I say “Tell you what honey, you show me a dick, and I’ll suck it right now!” Oh, I had her on the ropes now, I just knew it. But without stoppin to think, she says back to me, “You mean to tell me, if I show you a dick right now, you’ll suck it?”

“Yes ma’am” I say, wonderin if maybe I had stepped in somethin. But what? I was certain my logic was airtight. No, I definitely had her on the ropes. What was she gonna do now. What could she do?

Well folks, before I could finish that thought, she walks around behind Jimmy, reaches down, and pulls down his trousers. And of course Jimmy don’t wear no underwear, so there it was, starin back up at me. Lookin just a little more happy than I was comfortable with. Jimmy and I would have to have a long talk about that later, but I digress.

Anyhow, point is, that’s the moment I learnt a very important lesson. And that lesson is this: Just because you know somethin to be impossible, that don’t mean everyone around you knows it too.

The End



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