Allan Update 2004

Those of you who know Allan, either personally of from last year's Sarah vs. Jamie debacle, may be interested in the following...


Dear Manbottle,

Oh you manbottle, beware that I am too drunk to type right now. But there are forces that are brewing that want to change the world. (Yes!!!, change the world)

As soon as I am sober or at least moderately sober, I will write again and let you know what really needs to be typed.

Sincerely, Allan


That email was followed a few days later by this explanation...


Curtis,

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days when it is 2:30 in the morning and you are piss blind drunk and every idea that you come up with is the greatest idea in the world. Well, I had one of those days. And now that I have sobered up, I have come to the realization that maybe my idea wasn't so "World Changing" after all.

It was an interesting idea though so let me share with you a brief synopsis of how Friday evening unfolded.

First, I was drinking a few beers with an attractive woman. (Now most people would have a hard time believing this but I swear I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth.) As the drinking progressed I was starting to get some hints that my evening might end with a little lovemaking. At one point while sitting at the bar this attractive woman actually leaned over to start nibbling on my arm. After a few more subtle hints like this I decided it was time to take this party to her place. Now I don't know how my car turned into to the "magical soberizing machine" but in the five minutes -yes, FIVE! minutes- it took me to get her back to her place she had a sudden change of heart. I pulled into her driveway and before I could even get the keys out of the ignition she disappeared into her house with just a snappy goodbye--not even a kiss. Well, needless to say I was dazed and confused. So I decided I should stop and reflect on my evening to try to figure out where I went wrong. Oh and while I was reflecting I tipped back nine or more beers.

Now its 2:00am and I needed someone to talk with about this situation. And of course if there is anyone who would understand being rejected by women that would be Jerome. Luckily, Jerome is a night owl. We had a few laughs, we realized that all women are just insane and he made me forget about my woman troubles in no time.

Now this is where the Manbottle Society comes into play. While Jerome and I were talking, the subject of the conversation turned to politics (always a fun topic when you are drunk). Well Jerome and I both agreed that we are very unhappy with both political parties and the candidates that they are running for president. So at about 2:30am is when Jerome and I announced our candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. We decided that I was going to be President and Jerome was going to be Vice President. We came up with that order because Jerome thought I was a better public speaker and I thought with Jerome as my Vice President no one would assassinate me because then there would be a black President. Well, after going over our platform, which is really irrelevant, the only problem we faced in getting elected was our lack of campaign funds. So that is when we decided that we could enlist the Manbottle Society to spread our message. Jerome and I figured that your site probably reaches about 50-75 million undecided voters that are desperately looking for candidates like us.

Well, then I sobered up. And you know running for President actually sounds like a lot of work and a lot of hassle. So we are probably going to put this off until 2008. But in the mean time, if you know anybody that makes bumper stickers then let me know. I want to have one made up that says "Don't blame me, I voted for Jerome and Allan." At least there won't be any sex scandals while we are in office. Hell! We never get laid.

Sorry about promising you world changing events and then only delivering a sad tale of drunkenness and sexual frustration.

Wait, how about this for a campaign slogan. "Vote Jerome and Allan--They'll bring peace with Russia(or insert any country) because they want to date their women" Hmmm, maybe a little wordy.

Until I drink again, Allan