My Testosterone-Laden Self

by Joe, from reodorant.com


I recently bench-pressed 300 pounds at the gym. This isn't Earth-shattering, or anything - most gyms have a few guys who can top that handily. But still, it's a personal best, and the "300-Club" is relatively hard to join.

My euphoria over this milestone lasted for a few minutes until I realized that - in real life - it doesn't matter at all.

I work as a writer for a big financial firm in Manhattan. I can't really imagine my boss coming in and saying, "Nice work on the report, Joe... Oh, by the way, a large boulder has fallen into the reception area. When you get the chance, do you mind pushing it out of the way? Thanks, I knew you were a team player."

I'm only 5'7". So, at first, working out served a practical purpose in that people are less likely to bother you if you look like a lightly shaven silverback. As I get older, though, the threat of actual physical violence doesn't seem as ever-present. There aren't any Office Bullies pushing me into filing cabinets or holding my face to the water cooler. Perhaps they're in a meeting.

Working out can be addictive, almost a reversed-anorexia... "Okay, I can pick up exactly X pounds in steel-bar form, maybe, I'll try five pounds more next week... I am a man of brawn!" - that sort of thing.

To be fair (fair to me, that is) society seems to have embraced the whole "bigger is better" concept in some ridiculous ways. Men's shirts sizes pretty much start at "medium". Even if you're 5'3 and weigh 130, chances are, you're a medium. And, while there are big and tall stores in every city, I read recently that there are less than 10 stores IN THE ENTIRE U.S. that overtly cater to small men. There's a huge stigma attached to being small, for men at least. For women, I think the opposite is true - and this leads to its own set of troubles.

Ever hear of the Napoleon Complex? It's the idea that short people overcompensate by being aggressive (you see, it's fine to be tall and aggressive, but if you're short and aggressive, you have a psychological problem). I think it's a tall-person plot.

I won't even touch on the whole pickup truck/SUVs craze, except to say that the usefulness of these things is vastly overrated, except as alpha-male displays of status. How many people really NEED something that can tow 9,000 pounds or carry eight people? Are you running an orphanage in Northern Vermont? Okay then, my bad! If not, it seems silly to buy something that's a menace to other drivers and gets 14 miles-to-the-gallon just for the two or three times a year you may want take a bunch of friends skiing or transport furniture.

Should you need help loading the furniture, please note that I can bench 300...